A Return to Writing

This is my first time writing on this blog in a long time. A lot has changed in the past few years. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt after wards I realized I want more of life and I cannot be a doctor I do not want to be a doctor. So I went and decided to pursue fashion design. Then left that because it didn’t feel right. I sat down one day and was like I need to write. So I started writing and stumbled across this wonderful piece, a stroke of genius which took me three days with no sleep to fully comprehend and write. This has turned into a 6 part book series which I will hopefully have published. One should be getting published this next spring. I am so in love with writing. It is my breath, life and passion. Never give up on your dreams, never give in to others, and never ever say die. Stand strong and face life through fire and flames, with your head down, and then you run. Blazing a trail for others. There is this quote that says something like, if the road you travel is easy and smooth it means this was someone else trail. Veer off and say this is my dream, this is my life, my breath, my heart, my flame, my muse, my passion. Never let your life go to a second hand dream. Choose to chase your heart, because we are all dead anyways. Why not make this life a ride! Seek adventure and passion in your dream. See the world a new, and be the one to change the world. Only people who try to change the world, change the world. Say why not! Someone has to be claim this dream, anyone can make it! Why can it not be me!? Chose to love life, and love romance, be a romantic and see the beauty in life. Why can you not attain your dream, we all can. For me, I am going to be a fiction writer and international teacher. I will write and read, I will enjoy every moment because each is precious. 

Four Fingers

I awoke to quite a startling sound this morning. A sound you don't audibly hear but you awake after in its quake. The sun was shining down on me warming me even on this cold november morning. Today is Friday, the 16th of November. I live in quite the quant town where I spend very little of my time. I am a student at the local community college that is still quite a drive up the highway. I have a job as a sales associate at the local department store. My life is simple and not to complexed though with my antics I tend to leave it in even more a mess than the day past. I read a lot and I end up basing my expectations of life off a world that exists only in the mind and hearts of readers like me. A very non realistic world, which has left me quite bored and rather uneasy every day I step out of bed. All of this I say I think about before I have even finished getting ready. As I am off today, from the job from which I feel is going to be brought to an end in a rather untimely moment, I have decided to spend it with my known sweet heart. She is quite the peculiar creature very spontaneous with little vision of the future. The poor thing had to endure the untimely death of her father in a very grotesque manner, that being of a round to the skull. Her and her mother an ER nurse at the large hospital have never been the same since. I naturally, being the downfall of her previous relationship, find myself in a very complexed situation having to both take care of, partner, and support this fine young woman who by all means is fantastic, smart, endearing, wild, passionate, and dazzling. I can't help but see that my time with her will come to an end and is not meant to last. I am not a person to stay in one place, I love to travel and am too restless right now to find myself attached in anyway to a single person. As sad and pathetic as I sound I wonder if others are having to walk a path similar or to deal with the same sad thoughts.

 I saw a film recently of a man who through some very dire circumstances was granted a new dream and that was to become a doctor. In this film he is given a question a genius man walks past holding 4 fingers up and asks him how many fingers does he see. The Gentleman of course answers with 4 and the older gentleman walks away muttering quite angry words at his answer. Later on in the film the Gentleman approaches the Elder gentleman and seeks out the answer. The answer is not a right or wrong but of perspective if you look at the hand you will see 4 fingers but if you look past them you shall see not 4 but 8 fingers. The lesson I learned was that you must look past the problems that have presented themselves right here and now only to distract you from your ultimate goal. For me it is to become a doctor as well. It has become not a dream but a passion of mine to help others and now I have a goal that will allow me to.

I with my sad thoughts, have decided that I shall attempt to see past them and while I am doing that I will work through them towards my goal. It is not ignoring that they are present, but that they in the big picture are a mere step in the pathway of my life. Made either to break us or propel us to a whole new level of awareness and life. I hope all of you read this will look past that which seems to be overbearing you, and that by looking past that which is only to blind you to the path, push through to your dream and to that which is your goal.

Faceless (a tragedy) Alex Flores

Chapter I

Through out the centuries of earths history, humans dreamed of living beyond the bonds of humanity, to fly freely through their skies, shrink from view in invisibility, live for the eternity that they so desired. Never once did they realize that each of these “dreams” held any regrets. For the new generation the ‘New Millenniums’ life was anything but a dream. After ‘The Incident’ our generation was left with more than just hormonal adolescence but to master and control our new found ‘abilities’. Many would think this to be dream, but we know it for what it really is, a curse. I have always hated my existence, the way I looked, sounded, my limits, everything. And when I woke up, able to be anyone I wish, to be able to look any way I wish, sound any way I find pleasing, and able to be the perfect being, beautiful to everyone, I thought it was a dream. At least that was when I thought that this was what I wanted. Now I don’t even know who I really am. 

“Hey Shift, come on class is starting!” said the tall guy with white hair, athletic build, and that tan skin most people would kill for. His name is, Faze.

“On my way!” I say as I collect my things together and put them back in my bag.

“God you take your pretty time, and the new look?”

Damn it! I forgot that I had even changed. “eh em, I got bored with the usual?”  

“Eh, works for me just don’t forget that you have more than your own reputation that catches fire.”

Sheesh, oh yeah I forgot to mention, we get new names once we go through our second birth, the realization of our full potential, called ‘Initiation’. I am Shift, fits my ability and well Faze, the one you just met, is my best friend and the party animal here at the Academy. 

As I sit down in my comfy, angular, plastic, torture device they call a chair, the bell rings and in walks Professor Insight. He teaches what the humans call psychology. He has the annoying ability to see into people emotions by just making eye contact. So most of us who don’t want the undivided attention just steer clear. 

The rest of the class is more entertaining than death, but only by a little. I just can’t wait to get out of here. 

“Hey Shift, you doing anything tonight?” Ah, the ever so charming invite to one of the many parties I avoid. 

“Shift?” 

“Eh, um yes.” The obvious lie, hopefully he gets it. 

“Oh cause I am throwing this party and I was wondering, well if you wouldn’t mind coming?”

“I don’t think I can make it, sorry Crash.” 

“Oh, it’s okay.” 

  I feel sorry for him honestly Crash has never really had any real friends. Always the but of everyones joke, and actually, probably one of the most dangerous. He has the sad ability to make what ever he wants just break down by touching them. He hasn’t yet learned how to control it. Most people can control themselves by the third week, but for some it takes years and some never find out how to. For me it came rather easy, for Faze, it took the full term. 

The rest of the class wasn’t too bad. I do my fair share of doodling and writing during class, its a wonder I pass. It started snowing by the time it got to lunch. Most of the students stayed inside and the rest of them went outside for an all out snow ball war. I found my little spot by the breeze way that connects building 1 to building 3, and watched the snow fall. I pulled out my pad and started drawing. Each line drawn with intention yet no planning. First it started out with a jawline smooth and pronounced with soft cheeks and high cheekbones. the hair wavy cascading down the face and around the ears. The nose was a very fair nose thin and not too pointed soft that connected the two halves of the whole. The eyes, I put my pencil down not knowing how to draw the eyes. Not knowing who this person was they were so familiar. Maybe one of my past perhaps my mother. I can’t remember my parents. Almost everyone here has a family but there are some of us to whom The Academy is home. I grew up in the Northwestern Territory, The badlands. I couldn’t even speak until Wolf found me. He is my guardian and teacher of History here. I call him Wolf, even when his New Gen. name is Black. When I met him, he had this wild blue black wavy hair that fell past his shoulders only slightly. His sharp features and even more penetrating eyes were frightening, but gentle. He reminded me of one of the many creatures that roam the badlands, that in time I learned was a wolf. When I had learned to speak I called him that and it stuck. As far as I can remember I was alone, I have no recollection of life before that time. As I sit here thinking this the bell rings, and I look at my unfinished sketching. I wonder who she is. With that thought I close my pad and shove it into my bag and head to class.

“Still Walkers” - Alex Flores 11-5-11

The wind whistled through the barren wood floor boards. The sound of a low pitch flute and the creaking of the walls. I laid there taking it all in, the sounds, the way the light danced off the walls bounding in and out with the shadows. It was dark and the snow was already a swirling sea of a frozen abyss. I couldn’t sleep, course I couldn’t remember the last time I slept even if I tried. Life had frozen in motion, and I was to walk in between this moment in the next for all eternity. I think of all the days past the days that turned into months which turned into years which turned into decades and into centuries. I can’t even remember a life before the world I am now apart of.  I sit up on the old copper and steel bed that time had ravaged. I looked at her as she slept next to me her head on the pillow just beside me. It has been about 6 months years since Annah and I had met. She was a young woman with so much promise. We had met by accident on an august evening in the town square of Loveland Colorado. I was walking the streets as I usually did in the evenings, wondering at the colors of fall. The forests reds and browns and yellows that lined the sky and the ground beneath. She was reading a book under an oak on a blue metal bench that seemed to contrast the world around it as if it was a futuristic being sitting in the ashes of times past. She was wearing an off white dress that fell from her shoulders like ribbons of sunlight. He hair was light brown then and curly. I remember how she looked back then, happy, before the world she knew was taken and shattered into the reality she now is apart of. Back then she would never believed in the fact that there are those who are not bound by death and those of which time does not ravage. To these people the laws of this world are not the same ones that humans believe to be unbreakable. 

I sit mesmerized by her peace full beauty. The way she sleeps, the contour of her cheeks, the soft edge of her jaw line. She rolls over slowly, burying her face into my hand and the pillow. I lay down, cursing myself for all that I have become and loathing the feeling of love and adoration for this girl who will only suffer as long as she is next to me. I bend over kissing her forehead as I remember the promise I made to her. The promise that will haunt, torture, and torment me in a sadistic bliss till the end of her days. I feel my heart being to ache as I remember days past the way she smiled the way her heart flittered about without a care in the world. Those moments only memories on a film of burning hell. I reach down and touch my oldest friend, my sword “Unguis Primum”. The first weapon produced that could kill a shadow walker. This fang was given to me by the late teacher. He told me that one day I would understand the tears it cries. 

I get up and walk to the window at the new day. Its early and we should get moving staying too long in one place creates a footprint that we cannot afford to leave. I turn to look at Annah. 

“How long have you been awake?” she moans as she rolls over and looks at me.

“All night.”

“You really should learn to sleep, it may help.”

After she says it she knows it’s a lie. Even her own sleep is a shadow of what it really means to sleep. For us every year that we sleep we age only sightly, Its not a true sleep, its hollow, we are awake with in our own minds fighting against a barrage of memories from our past ‘lives’. Each emotion just and real as it was back then and all the pain twice as much. 

I turn and walk over to our suit cases and start packing what little clothing we have. I reach for my coat as she places her hand on mine. I can’t look at her it hurts more than she can imagine. Every second she is ‘alive’ I am reminded that I took what life she had and wiped it away as if it were only a hair in the way. Even with all this I must the strength to look her in the eye she smiles at me and takes me in her arms and kisses me ever so slightly. I pull her in close losing my self in her presence. When we brake, I look into her eyes remembering everything. 

“We should get going.”

“Okay.”

The wind is soft but carries a bitter cold, a signature of the season. The snow squeaks under each step and we carry on to the next town. 

“You” ~Fading Shadows

You’re the only one for me,

You’re the one that holds the key.

You’re the only one I desire,

The only one I admire.

In the darkness that I knew,

it was all I could do,

to stop the pain I knew,

Oh how I needed you,

It burned in my heart,

it tore me apart.

but you gave me a new start

I don’t wanna be apart.

Though the Heavens declare your name,

I’ll never be the same,

This un-quenching flame,

I’ll always declare your name.

“Red Lines and Sad Stories” ~Fading Shadows

This story is told, through the scars we behold;

Can you feel it in your hands tonight,

The pulse of the story written by your fight,

The one that no one will ever know 

The story that is told through crimson sorrow

OH! we go and we find it all insufficient,

“SORRY” is just a meaningless word we hear and

“LOVE” is something we’ll never know and

WE will never be apart cause

These lines bind us

Like crimson ribbon tying us

To our stories

like bleeding roses 

laying on the black maple 

like some sad fable 

we tell our stories

laid down in beds and

OH! we go and we find it all insufficient,

“SORRY” is just a meaningless word we hear and

“LOVE” is something we’ll never know and

WE will never be apart cause

“Black Butterfly” - Alex Flores 09-02-11

Prelude

The first thing that came to my attention was the cold. The cold bites into you like a thousand needles during the dead of winter. Of course it would if you were human, I think, as I look out over the field of snow. Snow as pure as the rain during the spring months of london. And there it is again. The knowledge  that something is out there. It’s a woman, she is holding something, a child. Michelle, she’s looking for someone. Her eyes, she looks afraid. I want to call out, but something is grabbing at my throat, like a rope tightening against the mast of ship, tightening squeezing it shut. I know I need to tell her, I want to tell her, but I can’t it would mean her death, and the child’s. This is why I chose this path. I get up and head back to my car even though I know where I am going it wont be of any much use. I head back through the trees as they start to cave in and everything starts turning grey. I know its coming, but I have to beat it. I hit the ground running and thats when I hear it. A shrieking scream, at that moment I knew it was too late. I turn run back, I know my lungs are burning but I don't care. And the faster I run the more it grows, I am pushing it and it knows it. I know going back means a fate worse than death, but I don’t care. I need to get back to her, I have to get to her. I'm just about there. I hear it again that scream, but this one is muffled and trails off. I am out of time, but I keep pushing after her through the field. I feel the snow under my feet acting like a glass floor leaving no traces of me have even being there. I see her, she is crumpled up on the ground reaching for something in the forest. “Michelle!” I reach down and and reach to pick her up, as my hand slips, its sticky and red. Thats when I finally take a good look at the blood all around me melting into the snow, dying the land of black and white a horrifying red, like a sick joke. Thats when I see it the gash at her neck and chest the blood pouring out like a sink that has been left on in the dead of night. I freeze and go numb... Where is the child? I look around franticly, searching. The child isn’t here. I cant hold it any longer, I let go. My world turns shades of grey and I know its all over, for me, for Michelle, for the person who is holding that child.

I look into the forest, and I know what must be done. I take off running, but not fighting the urge and the sensation. I hit the ground full force and with every step I feel the strength flowing into me. I feel my self going faster and before I notice it I am flying through the forest barely placing a step.  The world is flying by my like a video on fast forward. 

That is when I see him. He is just standing there, smiling. I see his mouth move to say something, I charge without letting him speak those words. The words that I will never hear and the words that will haunt me the rest of my life. Without thinking or moving my body sails toward Him, my hand a lethal blade aimed for his heart. Slicing into his chest like a well aimed knife, I feel his ribs shatter as my hand passes through them into the warm soft tissue, and the cold air again as my hand rips out through his back. He slumps to the ground and smiles, as he chokes on his blood and stops moving. I look for the child and then I see it. When I went for my lethal blow I didn’t take into account for why he didn’t defend. In his hands was the child, the one I had hunted, feared, and hated. The one I had now feared for, and now had taken the life of. "SHIT!" It's too much. Everything, everything until this point has balanced on the survival of that child whether the world is to burn or is it to live on as it is. I start feeling it coming its close, as everything starts blurring a sadistic red. The stench of blood fills the air, my head blurs churns and my body lusts for it like a drug. I turn and run not caring where I end up. I am forced to stoping, hurling till my vision comes too. I realize I had made it to a road. I fall face down my cheek landing on the hard packed soil. I feel the cold and then nothing, it all fades to black.